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god this feels lonely.
December 20th, 2009
December 13th, 2009
December 10th, 2009
decisions... decisions...
Blizzard called with the job interview thing. I think I did great. My heart was pounding the whole time. But the pay is 11.50 an hour... 11.50! that's a 40% pay cut. I get NO benefits... and I do something i sorta don't wanna do, BUT, it may lead to me being able to do things I want to do in the next few years.
But right now... I get paid 19 bucks an hour doing development i don't like. But it's ok. I think...
I dunno... dream or stability... i could be chasing nothing.
hmm, jessica would know what to say in these situations =/
Blizzard called with the job interview thing. I think I did great. My heart was pounding the whole time. But the pay is 11.50 an hour... 11.50! that's a 40% pay cut. I get NO benefits... and I do something i sorta don't wanna do, BUT, it may lead to me being able to do things I want to do in the next few years.
But right now... I get paid 19 bucks an hour doing development i don't like. But it's ok. I think...
I dunno... dream or stability... i could be chasing nothing.
hmm, jessica would know what to say in these situations =/
December 4th, 2009
so i've come to realize that no one will ever love me as much as I love them. This counts for romantic life, friendship, and family. Thank you everyone who has proved this to me.
Well there's nothing to lose, and there's nothing to prove, i'll be dancing with myself.
Well there's nothing to lose, and there's nothing to prove, i'll be dancing with myself.
November 30th, 2009
I don't know whether to feel sad or angry. I'm glad you finally made up your mind. I'm sort of sick that you threw in my personality to my face. If you were that upset over it, you should have said something after month 1 of our friendship, not after year 9, or i should say 108 months later.
I've tried everything, but I guess you had an epiphany that you didn't need me in your life. I hope you know that it really is my personality that will try to get you to say that you care for me. I really do enjoy/need that affirmation a lot. It sounds really selfish, and I'll admit that it is. But from you, just from you, I want to know that i feel like I existed. It wasn't enough just to know you were my friend, but for some odd reason I needed to hear you say it too.
I'm not trying to make excuses here, just telling you who your ex-best friend is. You know I really did try hard to make our friendship work. You would be annoyed and disappear for a few days and never tell me that you were annoyed. I always assumed that you were just gone because you were gone. If you ever fucking really cared as a friend, you should've said that you were annoyed, and then I would have understood that my kind of behavior wasn't accepted. I know there were a few times that it got to a point in which you did tell me that some things I did were not accepted.
Looking back at it, it is really your fault that our friendship ended. Only once was I really annoyed to the point that I didn't want to talk to you. And that once was the time that lead us to where we are now. Apparently there were hundreds of times where you couldn't deal with me. I wish you would have been more mature and said something.
I'll give you some credit and say that you did eventually send me that email. Of course, 2-3 months after not talking to me at all. However, I wish you would grow up and at least talk to me, speak your mind the way you want to, and allow me to reciprocate and vice versa. But I guess acting your age is out of the question. And yes, that comment was meant to hurt. I am angry at you after all.
But I'm also sad. Now I am alone. The only person I can really talk to now is Elisabeth, who funny enough lives over in D.C., yay east coast? And I'm only talking to her because she is the closest thing to a friend I can talk to about this kind of stuff since you've abandoned me. I hate the things you said in that email. Telling me that it was my competitive (which I thought was ok and playful with you since we'd ALWAYS had that kind of interaction) and sometimes jealous (which you should've known by now is a cry for attention from you, yeah, selfish, but I love you, and I needed to constantly know you loved me [yay lucidity?]) personality.
You always told me that you loved me for who I was and to never change. I guess that was a lie. However, I think it is funny that all my other friends tell me that they have no issue with the way I act around them.
I don't know if you're gonna read my journal anymore or not. But I want to send you one thing, and only one thing. Otherwise I'm going to throw it away.
Do you want your Peanut butter slice necklace back? Apparently we're not half and half anymore.
I've tried everything, but I guess you had an epiphany that you didn't need me in your life. I hope you know that it really is my personality that will try to get you to say that you care for me. I really do enjoy/need that affirmation a lot. It sounds really selfish, and I'll admit that it is. But from you, just from you, I want to know that i feel like I existed. It wasn't enough just to know you were my friend, but for some odd reason I needed to hear you say it too.
I'm not trying to make excuses here, just telling you who your ex-best friend is. You know I really did try hard to make our friendship work. You would be annoyed and disappear for a few days and never tell me that you were annoyed. I always assumed that you were just gone because you were gone. If you ever fucking really cared as a friend, you should've said that you were annoyed, and then I would have understood that my kind of behavior wasn't accepted. I know there were a few times that it got to a point in which you did tell me that some things I did were not accepted.
Looking back at it, it is really your fault that our friendship ended. Only once was I really annoyed to the point that I didn't want to talk to you. And that once was the time that lead us to where we are now. Apparently there were hundreds of times where you couldn't deal with me. I wish you would have been more mature and said something.
I'll give you some credit and say that you did eventually send me that email. Of course, 2-3 months after not talking to me at all. However, I wish you would grow up and at least talk to me, speak your mind the way you want to, and allow me to reciprocate and vice versa. But I guess acting your age is out of the question. And yes, that comment was meant to hurt. I am angry at you after all.
But I'm also sad. Now I am alone. The only person I can really talk to now is Elisabeth, who funny enough lives over in D.C., yay east coast? And I'm only talking to her because she is the closest thing to a friend I can talk to about this kind of stuff since you've abandoned me. I hate the things you said in that email. Telling me that it was my competitive (which I thought was ok and playful with you since we'd ALWAYS had that kind of interaction) and sometimes jealous (which you should've known by now is a cry for attention from you, yeah, selfish, but I love you, and I needed to constantly know you loved me [yay lucidity?]) personality.
You always told me that you loved me for who I was and to never change. I guess that was a lie. However, I think it is funny that all my other friends tell me that they have no issue with the way I act around them.
I don't know if you're gonna read my journal anymore or not. But I want to send you one thing, and only one thing. Otherwise I'm going to throw it away.
Do you want your Peanut butter slice necklace back? Apparently we're not half and half anymore.